Are you a fat kid?
It is often difficult to tell. For fat kids are not always fat. Sometimes, they are the most fit. They have simply developed a passion for exercise, if only to compensate for their passion for eating–hours of hot yoga every week simply to allow oneself to always order dessert. 80-mile bike rides for a six-pack and a bacon cheeseburger.
I am certainly a fat kid. My inner fat kid is alluded to in the blog’s tagline. Specifically the “perhaps, a bit too much” part. Fat kids are a constituency who I seek to engage the most, along with Industry lifers, and obsessive home cooks.
Write what you know.
Fat kids, large and small, far and wide, are obsessed with food, and are obsessed with eating. They must know where to find the best chocolate cookie. And when they find out that it is made with lard, they are not concerned, but instead aroused. When they move to another city, for a better job, they suffer separation anxiety.
What if I can’t find a cookie of similar quality? What will I do when I feel happy? Or feel sad? If not eat that cookie.
Fat kids are a fraternity, who take pleasure in recognizing one another. Yesterday, I stood next to a co-worker, over a hotel pan filled with braised beef short rib. Not even lovely, thick cuts of it, but mostly trim, with a generous inch of golden beef fat floating on top.
I turned to him and said, “I just want to pick it up with my hands.”
And he answered, “I know. I want to dip bread in it.”
And we both smiled, guiltily.
I think we bonded.
Fat Kid Quiz
1) Have you ever been eating ice cream, and given yourself a headache so bad you thought you would vomit, and when it passed, continued eating ice cream?
2) Has someone not offering you a bite ever soured a friendship?
3) When you don’t eat it all, do you feel like a failure?
4) Do you feel the physical sensation being pulled toward pizza shops when you catch the scent of their greasy exhaust.
5) Have you ever woken up in bed with sandwich or candy wrappers?
Do you obsessively catalogue which is the best cheeseburger, pizza, ice cream, cookie, etc? Do you feel the same sense of betrayal from food poisoning as from an unfaithful lover?
7) Have you ever felt judged by cashiers at pizza and sandwich shops, or convenience stores?
As an adult, do you still lick the spoon? Have you ever given yourself a splinter licking the spoon.
9) Do you consider veganism an eating disorder?
10) Do you eat ice cream in the dark?
If you answered yes to 0-4 of these questions, you probably haven’t read this far anyway.
If you answered yes to 5-7 of these questions you have fat kid tendencies.
If you answered yes to 8-9 of these questions, you are a fat kid.
If you answered yes to all 10 of these questions, do you want to hang out?
If you’d like to submit your own quiz questions, do so in the comments.Follow @icinthedark